The tawdry tale of Mrs. Salt

            " I don't understand it, why would you want to spend all that time with Miss Cinnamon? "

            " I don't know dear, we just connect on a deeper level.”

            " Deeper level… What the hack is that supposed to mean? The two of you are from opposite sides of the grocery store aisle. From where I sit, you have nothing in common with that little tart.”

            " Look, it's not my fault… Ma'am put us on top of the microwave and it just forgot. We got to talk and, well you know the rest. "

            " No, Mr. Pepper… I don't know the rest I had to get filled in by that spice rack gossip Paprika. I didn't know I thought we were happy. "

            " We were, something just changed. I don't know when it changed, it just did.”

            " Well, you could have spoken to me privately. You didn't have to announce that you’re leaving me on our anniversary, in front of all our friends. Thanksgiving is our busiest day. Do you know how hard it was for me to sit next to you? I used to be so proud of how strong our relationship was. How could you let someone else come between us? "

            " Listen, she just made things easier, I don't know how else to explain it. I guess, I feel as though I can talk to her about anything and she won't judge me."

            Mrs. Salt shifted slightly; the movement was the only physical expression of her anger, other than the high-pitched squeal in her voice. Mr. Pepper backed up. “Now, dear… Don't do anything hasty.”

            “What do you think I'm going to do, nudge you off the microwave. The wife is always the first one they suspect.”

            “You wouldn't actually consider doing something like that would you?”

            “No, you imbecile. That would mean Ma'am would have to drag Mr. halfway across the county antiquing, just to find me another match. You know how proud she is of her cow themed kitchen. It took her at least two years to come up with a decorating style.”

            “No, I didn't know that. I don't pay attention to such things. It's not important to me what she does. As long as she keeps me good and full, I'm happy.”

            “I thought you had you Miss cinnamon for that?”

            “Don't turn this around, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, and by the way, all that Cinnamon and I have ever done is talk.”

            “It sounds like someone has been watching a little too much Dr. Phil with Ma'am. You know, he's probably not even a real psychologist.”

            “He may not be, at least to the better listener than you. Besides that, I've only caught a couple of episodes here and there. Ma'am likes to have a soft pretzel and watched TV every once in a while. I can't help but overhear things.”

            “You should pay less attention to Dr. Phil and more attention to what's going on around you.”

            “Hey, I only caught a couple of episodes and he is one of the most popular talk show hosts on TV. I mean, that Oprah wouldn't have given him his start if he didn't know what he was doing. He sells millions of books for a reason. In fact, the last episode Ma'am watched was all about couples and what can go wrong in their relationships. You should really watch it.”

            “Why, what I want to watch some pseudo-psychologist on TV when I can actually talk to someone in person.”

            Mrs. Salt slid closer to her husband but this time, he didn't notice. “All I want us to do is spend more time together. I didn't trust her from the moment I met her. What kind of mother names her daughter Cinnamon anyway?”

            Mr. Salt looked slightly exasperated, “ Look, it's a family name, she was named after her great-grandmother and she's very proud of it.”

            “What kind of self-respecting woman would name her daughter Cinnamon? It doesn't make her sound very educated.”

            “I wouldn't say too much, after all your name is Mildred.”

            “I thought you liked the name Mildred, when we first met, you said it made me sound sophisticated. When did I go from sophistication to old hat? Don't tell me that we've run out of things to talk about, we hardly ever see each other. You're always out with Worcestershire. You know how I feel about him, I don't think he's ever really respected the role I play your life.”

            “What are you talking about? Of coarse he respects you. He's known us both since the culinary Institute. He stood up with me at our wedding.” Mr. Salt continues to talk, then there was silence and the loud crash.

            Ma'am came into the kitchen and said, “Well, Mr. it looks like we're going to have to go antiquing again to get new salt shaker.